It Isn't About You

And, I know it will for you, too.

A past colleague and friend, Allen, sent me a note after last week's newsletter.

What struck Allen was a specific section of The Spotlight Effect newsletter article when I wrote The person you're worried about judging you is concerned about you judging them.

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What struck him the most was the idea others are worried about their issues when they get mad outwardly at you.

Here are some specific examples:

• Your boss yells at you

• Someone honks in traffic

• Your partner shouts in anger

• A server in a restaurant is rude

Here's the problem.

When you combine the Spotlight Effect with Imposter Syndrome, it's hard not to think It's my fault.

It's one of the reasons we:

• Stay in toxic workplaces

• Maintain unhealthy relationships

• Don't set boundaries with our families

We focus on what we've done and how we're not good enough.

I write about this consistently when I say, in my words, it isn't even about you.

I'm going to take a step back and get personal because I used to be the person on the other side of the coin:

• Angry

• Shouting

• Unhappiness

• Hard on my family

About 4 or 5 years ago, I realized I had an issue. I was suffering from Anger Dyscontrol, a pattern of anger and uncontrollable rage disproportionate to the stimulus.

Bottom Line: I would get angry without reason and take it out on my loved ones.

It wasn't about my brother.

It wasn't about my parents.

It wasn't about my colleagues.

This was About Me and My Challenges.

You see... I'd had too many concussions from a typical 90's childhood mixed with many competitive and physical sports.

I kept reading about the suicides of wrestlers, hockey and football players, which were tied to CTE and the impact of their continued brain trauma, and I realized I needed to GET HELP.

I began to see a concussion specialist with a focus on reducing my anger issues and was introduced to some amazing tools and philosophies I still use today:

• Stoicism

• Buddhism

• Meditation

• Mindfulness

• Box breathing

• Heart rate variability training

I was introduced to Viktor Frankl who taught me:

I want you to have that same experience in TWO ways:

1. Realize it isn't about them

2. Internalize it isn't about you

It Isn't About Them

This is a topic we're going to dive into over time.

What I want you to learn when you feel anger coming on is to pause, breathe, process the situation and determine how to react from a place of purpose versus reactivity:

1. Pause

2. Breathe

3. Process it

4. Understand it

When you're processing and seeking to understand, ask yourself where the anger is coming from AND recognize it generally isn't the person in front of you or what they said.

Often, it's the feeling that it generates inside you.

That same feeling that was generated in you when your parents treated you a certain way.

Deep underneath, there's often the feeling of:

• Fear

• Hurt

• Shame

• Embarrassment

Shame, my friends, is a strong one and it's one to work on over time.

It Isn't About You

It's easier to realize it isn't about you when you've done the work.

When you've done the work to realize what triggers you and causes your inappropriate behavior.

You can begin to see the drivers behind someone's actions and seek to understand what drives those actions.

The only challenge is you can't do the work for them.

Someone can only choose to do the work for themselves.

In the interim, you can begin to set stronger boundaries in your life.

You can realize you don't need ever to accept:

• Your boss yelling at you

• Someone honking in traffic

• Your partner shouting in anger

• A server in a restaurant being rude

You can be kind, compassionate and have strong boundaries.

Last Word 👋

I love hearing from readers and I'm always looking for your feedback.

Hit reply, say hello, and let me know what you think of It isn’t about you.

I'd love to chat with you !

All my best,

~ Elevated Path